How to disagree respectfully

Can we disagree and still treat each other with respect?

The world in which we are now living seems to be one where views have become very polarised. More often than not it seems that each side believes they are absolutely right. Unless you agree with one particular side of an argument you are not only wrong but also vilified. How does this affect our mental wellbeing? How can we disagree yet still respect each other’s point of view?

Do we get angry with those who oppose our views?

Do we feel belittled by those who think they are right and put us down?

Does this stay with us and affect our mood for the rest of the day?

Does it play on our mind and affect our quality of sleep?

What does it do to our self-esteem?

How does it change how we feel about others?

What lengths do we go to in order to avoid those people? 

Does it make us feel sociably uncomfortable?

We may be confused because both sides of the argument appear to make sense. It matters to us because we think we should probably have a view?

What if the people whose views are opposing to our views, are people that we love and care about?

Or are people with whom we have to spend a lot of time, like work colleagues?

Some may find it easier to just accept the opposing view and avoid any conflict. Others might want to challenge the view, especially if it is a subject that they feel very strongly about.  Or perhaps the truth is that we don’t really like the other person and feel we should disagree with them at any cost!

So how can we disagree respectfully? How can we avoid any negative impact on our relationship and our self-esteem, and yet also feel heard?

Some things to consider:

·      We don’t have to agree with everyone over everything!

·      Having people to disagree with can be good for us. That’s how we learn and it’s okay to change our opinions.

·      We don’t have to feel offended

·      We don’t have to take it personally

·      What do you hope to achieve by winning an argument?

When we find ourselves in a situation where we disagree and feel the need to state our case. We can try some of the following ideas.

Show respect by listening to what they have to say without interrupting. Let them finish, as challenging as that can be, so that you can take in what they are saying. Not just spend the time thinking about how you are going to respond.

Be curious. Try to gain a better understanding of why they think the way that they do.

Ask questions respectfully. E.g. ‘How did you come to that conclusion?’ This may give us insight into their heart and mind and maybe we will find out a little more about them and why they hold particular views.

Try to keep calm.

Consider how you would like them to respond to your point of view?

We may feel annoyed when they don’t understand our argument or perspective. If we lash out in what we say or how we say it, we may damage a valued relationship. If we treat them with kindness and care, we may be able to walk away with our head held high.   

It doesn’t mean that we can’t be assertive, just that we need to be considerate to the other person.

Try to avoid arguments.

If they want an argument, then asking questions is unlikely to have a good outcome. There may not be any opportunity to build bridges, it is more likely to strain the relationship.

Sometimes it is best to keep quiet and to walk away. This can be a challenge, and feel like defeat, but consider what it might have been like if you hadn’t. In all likelihood, you both might have both felt significantly worse.  

Show empathy, try to put yourself in their shoes and feel the world as they do.

Listen with purpose. When we take time to hear what others have to say, we show them respect and they feel valued.

Learning someone’s reasons for believing what they do, can help us to understand things from their point of view and accept why they believe what they do. It doesn’t mean that we have to agree, just that maybe we can acknowledge that there are other valid points of view.

When people feel heard they are more likely to listen and be open minded.  

When someone disagrees with you, and you feel your stubbornness or anger rising or a strong need to defend your point of view, this is the point at which to take a few deep breaths or count to 10, or both! Whatever works for you.

What you do next can change the shape of the exchange.

Consider and acknowledge the things that you do have in common or agree on.

It’s okay not to have all the answers.

If we can accept those who disagree with us, it may change how we feel, about ourselves, about others and our view of the world around us. Opposing views drive change. Being able to listen and consider each other’s perspectives drives better change.